Dear Overworked Brand,
Last I heard from you was, a minute back. You sent me an SMS asking me for feedback. Sorry, I couldn’t reply to that. Here, I hope I’ll make it up by writing to you directly.
So, is everything okay? You seem lonely and desperate. What’s going on with that new product you were launching? I was intrigued by its standard features in the first mail, but then your guys started pestering me with calls, making it quite suspect. No offence, but I think you’ve started talking too much and way too often.
I’ve also noticed you on FB these days, turning cool eh? Except, it’s a bit late in the day, and, after paying attention to what you had to say, I realized you’ve turned into an egotistical bore. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about? O yeah! it was about you!
I used to like you once, but allow me to remind you that I was never obsessively “in love” with you. So, next time you talk to me like we were a match made in heaven, remember you’re competing with messages from people I really do fancy listening to. I added these folks on Facebook, they did not ask me to ‘like’ their page because it would entitle me to a free key chain!
How must I express my unquenchable curiosity to learn all about offers you and your friends send in every waking hour!!?? O hold on, I beg your pardon; these other guys are anything but your friends, right? This might offend you, but you lads look like twins. I know you try and talk different, dress up unique and all that, but really, it’s difficult to hide the fact that you came from the same set of parents, Ms. Gluttony & Mr. Duh. Recently one of your young online cousins offered me 100 points for buying a shoe and referring a friend. I was like “WOW 100 points that mean absolutely nothing! Have to try this!”
Anyway, because you’ve been trying so hard, actually, more out of pity, let me offer you some advice: The other day one of your conversation starters cracked me up, “Greetings from your favorite underwear brand”. Here’s the thing, nobody says “greetings” to greet anymore. Sort your language out.
The other thing is about the sheer intensity with which you are trying to grab my attention. Stop being a weirdo, I’ve got a few as friends like that, because “har ek zaroori hota hai …right?”, I forget their names… and that is the point!
360-degree is what you call it? I feel like your posters and banners are caving in on me. Honestly, the only thing that goes 360 is my head.
Chances are you’ll get me wrong. I mean, you spend a lot of money on research to get me wrong, so I have no reason to think otherwise. So allow me to clear the air, I am not saying “leave me alone”, not yet. I’m saying “challenge me like an equal”. Speak to us honestly and we’ll respect you for that. For instance I dig genuine offers and discounts but the little repulsive star at the bottom of everything makes me leak.
Now, you might say: “Yeah yeah, we got the point smarty pants” (By the way no one uses that kind of language anymore either). Come on! I’ve been to one of those focus groups you organize (will again, just for the grub, well done on that). Those pompous B-School grads you keep for company are hurting you. I mean, the reason they joined you was because they wanted to get off the streets we inhabit. Fire their ass and invite us for dinner. Here, I’ve spilled it and it is really that simple.
Let’s start with not sending me a “thank you” message in the next second.
Kuber Chopra runs the Youth Marketing Advisory, Rasta. He’s a massive fan of common sense, self loathing and hates political correctness and established ideas in general. A Sports enthusiast, he is easily tempted into any opportunity to play or watch one. His most recent achievement is writing this bio and doing handstand push-ups. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org